I stayed in a Premier Inn once and Lenny Henry didn't even tuck me in or cuddle up to me when I had a bad dream. Total con!
I once stayed in a hotel in Manchester that had all the "features" you've described here. When I turned on the tap it came off in my hand. The best thing is they had upgraded me.
I woke up with a hangover, face down on a paper thin pillow that was so stained that it looked like a pride flag for viruses.
Haha, excellent! Sorry to hear about your stay mind…) In my experience, there are few things bleaker in this life than having breakfast at a Premier Inn the morning after a wedding. Hangovers, rubber food, the clattering of cutlery, guests you were best friends with 12 hours previously avoiding eye contact.
Oh my God! Not the bad hair cuts. I'd forgotten about them. I won't sleep for a week now 🫣 Seriously though, this piece is brilliant. I always end up wanting to read more from you. Please don't ever stop writing
I thought this was a glorious piece both hilarious and even thought-provoking. I loved that you wrote about your writing struggles, it’s very relatable. I know you’ve been dealing with it so I wanted to affirm that your stuff is always so good. Even if it feels like you are just forcing the spring sometimes, your talent is undeniable. Keep at it. I’m a fan and so are lots of others.
😯 I mean, given that you wrote "A Premier Inn is basically perfect" as recently as 26th July, I feel like you are definitely owed extensive compensation. Maybe some complimentary mouse traps. Or a lifetime of free breakfasts.
Does this make me sound like the Annie Wilkes to your Paul Sheldon?
Nah! I'm just a big fan enjoying another brilliant post, that's all. 😉😁
This is dread-inducing in the best way possible. I wonder if it's a chain. I may have stayed in its sister hotel once. Rooms the size of broom closets. Scary! Well done.
Customer services wIll never have seen the like! Bloomin’ writers with their active and brilliant imaginations.
After hosting recent family gathering, son-in-law tells me his sleep on sofa bed was disturbed by sound of scrabbling mice in nearby cupboard. *Adds to task list* Never had that in a hotel, though!
Oh those mices get everywhere! Definitely a full on infestation at the Newcastle branch. I've been waiting for their "how did we do" email but it strangely never came. If it ever does, I'll just copy and paste this into the comments field!
I stayed in a Premier Inn once and Lenny Henry didn't even tuck me in or cuddle up to me when I had a bad dream. Total con!
I once stayed in a hotel in Manchester that had all the "features" you've described here. When I turned on the tap it came off in my hand. The best thing is they had upgraded me.
I woke up with a hangover, face down on a paper thin pillow that was so stained that it looked like a pride flag for viruses.
Ahhhh that's horrific! I mean about Lenny Henry, obviously.
Yep, beginning to suspect that hotels keep their most haunted rooms for upgrades and special guests!
Wild that Premier Inns can run the full gamut from “actually nicer than I expected” to Lovecraftian terror-fest fever dream.
Haha it's so true. Only recently I wrote about Premier Inn being the platonic ideal of a hotel room. But that was before... Newcastle.
I think I've stayed in that Premier Inn. And I did not avail myself of Premier Plus.
Haha, excellent! Sorry to hear about your stay mind…) In my experience, there are few things bleaker in this life than having breakfast at a Premier Inn the morning after a wedding. Hangovers, rubber food, the clattering of cutlery, guests you were best friends with 12 hours previously avoiding eye contact.
Never seen a mouse though.
Thanks Andy! Oh yes, quiet hungover breakfasts... that's fairly bleak! A mouse would liven things up!
Oh my God! Not the bad hair cuts. I'd forgotten about them. I won't sleep for a week now 🫣 Seriously though, this piece is brilliant. I always end up wanting to read more from you. Please don't ever stop writing
Thank you, Lisa! What a lovely comment and a much-needed boost this morning!
I hope thats your Yelp review.
Ive written some good page long yelp burns myself...
The Fuckers will RUE THE DAY - they mess with a writer such as me :)
Haha I'm just going to copy and paste it into yelp ;)
I thought this was a glorious piece both hilarious and even thought-provoking. I loved that you wrote about your writing struggles, it’s very relatable. I know you’ve been dealing with it so I wanted to affirm that your stuff is always so good. Even if it feels like you are just forcing the spring sometimes, your talent is undeniable. Keep at it. I’m a fan and so are lots of others.
Thank you, Jack! That's a really kind comment and I appreciate it.
OMG! What an absolute nightmare. I travel a lot so I stay in a lot of hotels and this is the worst I've ever heard!
I travel a lot too, and it's definitely among the worst hotels I've stayed in! But I got a substack post out of it, so it's not all bad!
Ha! Almost worth it!
This is both hilarious and deeply distressing because if we can no longer count on Premier Inn in this godforsaken world then what even is left to us?
Right? RIGHT? I knew you'd understand.
😯 I mean, given that you wrote "A Premier Inn is basically perfect" as recently as 26th July, I feel like you are definitely owed extensive compensation. Maybe some complimentary mouse traps. Or a lifetime of free breakfasts.
Does this make me sound like the Annie Wilkes to your Paul Sheldon?
Nah! I'm just a big fan enjoying another brilliant post, that's all. 😉😁
Haha right?! They at least shouldn't sue me for using their logo in a scene of eldritch threat! I practically made that hotel what it is!
😆 Yes, legal action should definitely be off the blood-smeared table (which probably has one leg shorter than the rest).
I didn't even get on to all the broken stuff!
Yikes😬
Indeed!
This is dread-inducing in the best way possible. I wonder if it's a chain. I may have stayed in its sister hotel once. Rooms the size of broom closets. Scary! Well done.
It was a lovely big room. More space for stabbings, I guess!
Apparently!
Customer services wIll never have seen the like! Bloomin’ writers with their active and brilliant imaginations.
After hosting recent family gathering, son-in-law tells me his sleep on sofa bed was disturbed by sound of scrabbling mice in nearby cupboard. *Adds to task list* Never had that in a hotel, though!
Oh those mices get everywhere! Definitely a full on infestation at the Newcastle branch. I've been waiting for their "how did we do" email but it strangely never came. If it ever does, I'll just copy and paste this into the comments field!
Is this fiction, or did it actually happen to you?
It happened
And people wonder why I rarely travel more than 10 miles from my house?